Teeny weaning E-chan

Well the decision has been made. To wean or not to wean is no longer the question.
We will wean.

Eight weeks of trying has been a champion effort, we think. Many mothers with similar problems give up before now, and I have explored every single avenue possible. I've tried positioning, resting lots, eating lots, expressing, herbal teas and drugs to get my supply up and provide enough milk; and I've tried positioning in umpteen ways, lactation consultant visits and osteopaths to try to get little E-chan to attach properly, which is the key to everything when it comes to breastfeeding (correct attachment does not hurt the mother, and ensures efficient feeding and that the mother's supply meets the demand of the growing bub).

It seems that E-chan's difficult deliverly led to some jaw problems which set us down the path of not being able to feed - I'm not sure that anything could have been done better except for perhaps an earlier detection of his jaw problem, but it seems that none of the midwives at the hospital had the experience to pick that up, and treatment hasn't really helped for longer than a day or two anyway. I still get sore because he still doesn't attach properly - I think it is that he can't rather than he won't.

Weaning probably won't take too long, given I was producing at most half of his daily food intake on both sides. Will have an appointment with a midwife on Monday to ensure I'm going about it the right way and won't get mastitis, lumps or any other complications. So from now on we can plan to be more mobile and active, which is nice. I can start going for longer walks with the pram so long as I have packed enough bottles and nappies!

I thought a weight would lift off my shoulders once this decision had been made. I know it's the right decision for us, and there are many positives, but apparently there is still some self-imposed guilt to feel, and even grief as the midwife I spoke to today told me. Didn't think you could grieve for not being able to breasfeed, but there you go. It's an emotional thing, letting go of breastfeeding, and apparently even mothers who are giving it up after a good year or two can feel a bit emotional about it. For me it's probably a bit of grieving for what E-chan and I never really managed to get right.

Just an hour or two ago, I fed him a bottle, and afterwards, his little arms clumsily groped towards my breast as if to say "give me some of this too". I suppose this is where the guilt will come in. I was touched, however - I never knew he liked being breastfed, because he was frequently crying as I put him on, or when I had to detach him because his little jaw was hurting me too much, or he whimpered because he probably couldn't get comfortable or he wasn't getting enough milk. I'll need to find something else to replace the physical closeness of breastfeeding I suppose - I don't want to deprive him of that. Luckily I'm very inclined to want frequent cuddles.

So today is an appropriately miserable grey day here in Sydnonee... I plan to cry as much as I have to, to get this out of my system, so I don't keep bursting into tears when I talk to midwives, doctors, other mothers, my mother, C-chan, and most importantly, E-chan, for days to come...