matters to churn through...

This morning I have an uneasy stomach. Not an upset stomach in the usual sense, but just butterflies. I'm not entirely sure why I should... today is C-chan's first day on his new job as a lawyer, so perhaps it is sympathetic nerves for him? After all these years of fitting in part time study around work, today is the day where he starts to find out if this kind of work is for him. Both of us have been trying to not make it into a big deal, but now that he's gone off to his first day of work, E-chan is napping, and I'm alone. I finally have time to dwell on all this, and I'm feeling for him.

Or maybe I'm worried about it being just E-chan and me on our own again? E-chan cried out a few times after his dad left this morning! He's been very lucky with 6 weeks of us all hanging out as a family, where Dad and Mum have been equal in our parenting duties more or less. And 3 weeks over christmas on top of that. I think he knew something was up last night and this morning - I'm convinced that the sensitive little critter can sense many of our moods. He woke up early yesterday evening and cried inexplicably and it took us a while to settle him again (this is something that only happens every so often now). And this morning, we had to work hard with the silly faces, upbeat chat and cuddles to get him to crack a smile. But things will be OK, I think, and he'll get used to it just being the 2 of us again soon enough.

The only other possible reason for butterflies is that it's crunch time for me to deal with my own issues again. I don't know about you, but I find it hard to focus on me when there is someone else around constantly. If there is someone else there to distract me, entertain me, talk to, I find it's all too convenient a process to procrastinate dealing with those sorts of things I'm not too keen to deal with. I.e. that for the first time since starting work full time, I'm unemployed in the earning money sense. That hit me with a thump just then. Don't get me wrong, am loving being a full time Mum. But in the strange contradictory way we often feel things, I'm also missing the security of being able to think ahead 6 months and have an idea of what I'll be doing, bankable income, where we'll be able to afford to live etc etc. We can survive on one income for a while, but not indefinitely. And the longer I leave going back to work, the harder it will get. And folks, the part time job market SUCKS.

It's hard to get into the right sort of self-confident mindset you need to argue your worth to a potiential new imployer when you know you have the big negative bargaining chip of wanting part time work looming in your head. Working full time while E-chan is so young is just not conceivable to me. Casual work is not reliable enough to cover child care costs. My mind is going around in circles, then like stepping off the merry-go-round, I avoid the whole issue by escaping in a book (or blogging?). But no doubt I'll force myself into action soon enough now that I have more time to think about myself.

And a genuine thanks to commenters on the last couple of posts, and sorry I didn't even acknowledge them. Things have been busy. Oh, and for a while, C-chan accidentally used up our broadband allowance for the month by Ewe-tubing (sic - nothing to do with sheep, I promise). We were on regular phone line speed for a week or two - click and wait half a minute for a web-page to appear stuff - which amazingly after only 8 months on broadband is already inacceptable.

Shock revelation: social life continues after children

Recently had a night out with girlfriends J and Angel. A very fun night and a few revelations:
- am a daddy's girl as J put it. Once I pushed aside images of Varuca Salt screaming "Daddy, I want one of those golden eggs NOW!", I realised this simply means I have more in common with my Dad than my Mum. True. Well then I am a Daddy's girl.
- I can no longer hold my drink (but that just makes nights out cheaper!!)
- High heels - despite not having worn them for over a year - are easy to walk in when you are acccustomed to carrying 10kg extra around.

The next night I went out for dinner with just C-chan while his visiting Nanna baby sat! How lovely to get out and just talk about things we wanted to without worrying about E-chan waking in the next room. Well, we worried a little bit, but there was nothing we could do. And everything was fine when we got back. Nice time just to focus on us two, which is quite rare these days. Then the next day C-chan had his few hours out alone (ie sans me and E-chan) to see the Soccer. That night, E-chan fell asleep in record time with minimum fuss (around 7 minutes).

That mixed with visiting old friends on the weekend and new Mum friends during the week either at the park, pool or their homes, with E-chan in tow, means I'm getting my fix of other people's lives and matters that is so important for feeling connected with other people. OK, so maybe where we go and how long we stay is somewhat dependent on E-chan, but we still get out a fair bit. I'd got the impression from my own mother that becoming a mum can be isolating but I'm not finding this to be the case. Perhaps it is fortunate that my child is rather sociable, is interested in new places and people - not everyone is so lucky in this way? And having enough sleep makes a huge difference.

Those weeks back in early January where we were having frequent night wakings, followed by the whole screaming-to-sleep torture, E-chan miserable with a sore throat, then difficulty getting him to sleep during the daytimes... those have all passed. It really does seem that E-chan has learned to get himself to sleep, and we have learned how to get him to sleep again. It is so heartening to find that babies habits and behaviour can change. E.g. until last week E-chan was screaming each time we put him down in his cot. We think it was a bit of separation anxiety - he associated being put there with being alone, and cried. This, we thought, was not a good way to start the settling process! C-chan had a brain wave and thought up a fun way to distract E-chan the minute he was put in his cot. This now forms part of his new going to bed ritual (along with cuddles and saying goodnight to teddies, and reading etc), and has him giggling instead of crying. He now doesn't seem to mind being put in his bed.

Portrait of the Author('s son) as a Young Boy*

A friend of mine with children at high school age was talking about how he has photographic portraits of his two kids that were taken when each of them were 6 months old. He said that the interesting thing about these shots, is that despite their age, the portraits capture some key characteristics of both of the children - that the daughter is raring to go, and wondering what next to conquer... and his son's portrait captured his more docile, dreamy nature.

So it got me thinking about how E-chan might turn out... If I can separate what might be a phase (e.g. the current separation anxiety and screaming the minute we leave him in his cot, and a slightly slapstick sense of humour), from what I think might be how he really is, I might describe him as follows:

- Interested, observant and curious. (I'm hoping this translates to an interest in people, the arts, and the sciences later on in life).
- snuggly!
- talkative
- enthusiastic about food
- good hand control

(This is in comparison to other babies I know. I might have to treat this entry as a bit of a time capsule and come back to it later to see how true this rings...)

Although his character isn't that well developed yet and he's only been out in the world for 8 months, I love him to bits and am incredibly proud of how he has turned out and what he has achieved. How amazing that these bonds form so quickly?!

* For those of you who are thinking my blog title is a tad strange, it's a play on James Joyce's book title "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man"

Oh and I forgot to mention my spur of the moment night out...

A friend of mine from my mum's group goes out once a month to see her favourite band play in Glebe. After nearly going along a few times, I finally decided that I could manage a night out the Friday before last*. I should probably start by saying that the other mum is in her 40's, and has been a long-haul air hostess for much of her working life. See the difference in pre-baby lifestyles there? I'll spell it out - international air hostess, stopping off at many cities, where there was a need to kill some time with some workmates before the flight back... and me - often opting for a quiet night in, like Friday and sometimes even Saturday night television dramas or a glass of wine and a good book.

So off I scampered down the hill to other mum's house after a slightly difficult time settling E-chan, a bit flustered but ready to have a glass or two of wine. It was a night where I only knew one person, and much of what we know of each other are shared baby experiences and swapped birth stories.

We hopped in a taxi and headed over to Glebe to the Excelsior Hotel (wanted to impromptu text Miss J at this stage, but alas! no number to text to!). The band were hilarious, and I had a rip roaring time. The covered songs such as "Sweet Child of Mine", "Diamond on the Soles of her Shoes", "White Satin" in a country style, complete with yodels for the high notes. The crowd were an interesting mix of all ages and types, so no worries about whether or not I stood out or blended in. It turns out my mum-friend is a bit of a bad influence friend (as my mum would have put it) - you know, when you're having a glass of water later on in the night because you don't want anything more to drink, and she goes... "aw, water? Just help me finish my redd bull and vodka...!" and won't shut up until you have a sip. Mental note to buy lemonade next time and pretend it is a vodka and tonic so that she'll leave me alone.

So I had a fun, unplanned night out, bonded with my mum-friend, danced, sung, even stomped, drank and had silly/d&m conversations with complete strangers. What fun! Highly recommend going to see this band at least once - they play at the Excelsior again first Friday of March.

* I might also add that I'm weaning E-chan again now - nearly done, and almost no emotion around it from me this time at all. Been there, done that I suppose. He was getting so little milk from me compared with the bottle, and breastfeeding was becoming a circus of trying to keep the little blighter focussed on the task... "suck suck suck - oooh what's that noise? - suck suck - what's Dad up to? - suck suck - tickle mummy's side - suck suck - pinch mummy's arm - suck - what happens if I bite? "YOW!!" oh that's funny!! And so on...

Oot and aboot in the hood

Call me the Mrs Mangle of the Inner West...

Walking down corridor of my block of flats, overheard a lady leaving a flat, offering one last yell in an argument before walking out the door and slamming it:
"...no WONDER all of your girlfriends are psychopaths!"

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Driving past a car in the car park, see something written in the dust on the windscreen of one car (I think belonging to the same unit mentioned in above incident):
"I did not use a condom on Saturday night 28/1"
(Is that what that fight was all about??)

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Notice handwritten and stuck on door of bargain shop:
"Due to family mishap, this store will be closed until further notice"
Handwritten note under the door:
"Dear X____ and Y____,
So sorry for your loss.
Hope things will be OK soon...
From
Z____"
(Names in this story have been changed to protect privacy)

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A guy limps around the courtyard of our building, doing a lap or so every couple of hours every day and sometimes I even hear him shuffling around in the middle of the night if I'm awake. Sometimes he has a someone with him, mostly he's alone. His walking is laboured, with a lop-sided gait, and his right arm clutches his left as if he has to stop it shooting upwards. His voice is laboured, mouth muscles not working as he is accustomed to. I reckon he's been doing this daily walking ritual since before E-chan was born. I wonder whether he was in a car accident, and think back to my post-labour left leg limp, which has pretty much recovered, and think I got of lightly. We've encountered each other, exchanged names, talked about casual stuff. One day, I hope to be in the right place at the right time, to be able to offer him needed conversation or company or even assistance, maybe even hear his story about what happened to him and when, but for now it's light-hearted chat about the garden, weather, and that ever-available topic of conversation, my baby boy.

go to sleeep... gooooo toooooo sleeeeeeep... please?

So much for the below. No progress towards solving work (or lack of) problems last week due to sleep issues.

Our little bundle of joy - E-chan - used to scratch his dear little head with his dear little fingernails, no matter how often we cut them. So we put mittens on. Then he entered his "oral phase", where he wanted something in his mouth most of the time. His mittens became soaked rapidly, so then we made sure he was wrapped up nice and firm at bedtime, to stop him from firstly scratching himself, then having permanently wet hands. This worked a treat up until he was 6 months old, and the only time he woke at night mostly was to have a feed or sometimes because he was spooked. He would settle quickly with a re-wrap and a stroke on the head!

Then things change. Most babies don't need night feeding anymore at this time, and can theoretically sleep for 12 hours between dinner and brekky. We went away for 3 weeks and hoped for the best! Instead, he woke frequently (understandable, really - he was in a strange place). Things carried on this way when we got home, so it became time to implement a "learning to sleep by himself" strategy. The first day or two was a nightmare - we're talking 2 1/2 hours to get him to sleep, with lots of crying, nay - screaming!

(warning - make sure you aren't eating when reading following):
Things were gradually improving, then he got sick! Poor little critter had a fever, and the Dr said his little throat was inflamed. We tried to give him baby paracetamol for his fever, and he chundered up his dinner! Posessed baby style (but without rotating head), with wave after wave of pureed chickpea, carrot and broccoli!! (I warned you - hope you're not eating). There was nothing to do but put him in the bath and hose him down!! That night and the next were pretty horrible - by now he refused to be wrapped or suck on his dummy, yet he couldn't settle himself AND he was miserable. We got very little sleep.... Resorted to night walks, loungeroom walks, even a carbon emitting drive in the car (sorry earth) at 2am. The days following were like walking through treakle air - every decision difficult, every movement too hard. Luckily, C-chan is on leave before he starts his new job in a few weeks, and neither or us had anything to do except cook, clean, and write my job application (more on this in another post).

And then, like a ray of sun after a storm (awwww), last night he settled a bit quicker, and slept ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE NIGHT for about the 5th time in his whole existance. VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS!! Well I was when I woke up, but for much of the night I was out to the world making up for lost sleep and didn't really notice. He woke up this morning more his usual chirpy, snuggly self, ate larger meals again, and the whole household literally frolicked around with joy all day. The joy was heightened when he put himself of to sleep for his morning nap with minimal crying and slept for 2 whole hours while I completed a job application!

I suppose I'm beginning to believe what the midwifry profession say when they tell me a baby's habits CAN be unlearned, and they can learn to do fundamental things differently. It just may take a while... but it's only been about 9 days so far, and interrupted with 3 days of illness, so I'm encouraged.