like sands through the hourglass...

Life is pretty good. Now my youngest is one and 3/4, life is getting easier as she is more independent with walking and talking. Oldest is off to school next calendar year! I'm so excited! Still a long way off though!

Work is good - the position suits me still and I still seem to be suited to the position! Such a nice way to be after 2 less well suited contracts between having the children. They recently offered me an extra 1/2 day a week, and I've been doing this (the extra time is done flexibly when I like - I don't need to be in the office).

There was now no excuse for not getting a cleaner and we bit the bullet and did it! How on earth did we manage without one? (the answer is of course that we didn't - the bathrooms were only cleaned every month or so and the flooring and dusting... well we did the best we could, but it's much cleaner now!). There is still more than enough housework to do with 4-5 loads of washing per week, cooking and tidying. I'm also managing to sew, knit and crochet, and I joined a book club that meets in a pub every 2 months (no one DARE say it's time that I should be cleaning the house!!).

My partner and I also hit 10 years of marriage and over 12 years together. Quite a big milestone! The big thing to avoid at this stage we find is taking each other for granted, and we've been working a little bit on avoiding this becoming an issue.

So of course not everything is perfect - I don't see good friends as often as I'd like, and friendships present challenges from time to time. People who you thought were becoming good friends stop making the effort, or you start to realise they have attributes you're not sure you can be bothered with. Sounds harsh, but when there is such limited time to socialise, you become choosey about who you spend that time with. For me it's a struggle to find someone who is not busy all the time, or who might be free to spend time with me and kids in tow and who isn't at work the same days as me. I expect I'll make new friends next year when E-chan starts school, and see certain people more often, because our kids will be at the same school. It kind of feels like a holding pattern in the meantime...

You have a time when you are happy, then perhaps a little too cruisey, then you stuff up and feel like a goose for a while - want to crawl into a shell somewhere. In a 2nd or 3rd-hand bit of wisdom from a friend I've long since lost touch with - some old wise being (Buddha? Confucious?) said:  the first thing to master is to do wise things, then you need to master saying wise words, then finally thinking wise thoughts. Well I've stuffed up on the 2nd point - not saying wise things - a few times in the past few days and now wish to crawl into a shell somewhere.  Humph.

I'm struggling to know what to write in this blog of late. I started it thinking it'd be a good way to keep in touch with some old friends and share ideas via links and photos. However, there are other ways to do this electronically these days. The one benefit of the blog I think is that you can be more anonymous and control which of your friends know about it. But because of some of the personal things I've put in here, particularly when I was younger, I'm a bit shy about sharing with newer friends. But for now it is still here...

Cycles

Things come and go in cycles – we all know. And of course with a period of uncertainty, one can feel a little low when additional setbacks, the ones that come out of the blue, make you feel worse than it should. A few things are changing in our household this year – mostly the children are transitioning to a new childcare centre.

This is better in the long run, I’m sure – we can walk there with the kids & not have to worry about being reliant on the car and parking and all those hassles, there should be more time at the end of the day between picking them up and starting dinner which means more quality and playing time for me with them. But there have been a few teething problems to sort out in this centre which made us wonder if we were doing the right thing.

Moving from the familiar – where our kids have been going since E-chan was 11 months, where he has bonds with all his teachers and good friends, where Astro-girl feels comfortable and was starting to make baby friends – to the unfamiliar. We have needed to reach out to new people to put down as our Emergency Contacts on the children’s forms, to cover us in case in the rare instance that we are both unable to be reached in emergency, and some people we regard as good friends did not give us a very straightforward answer which was slightly bewildering.

And then things start to cycle upwards again…. 2 other families who live in our immediate neighbourhood have been more than happy to help out as “emergency contacts”, as we are with them. And of course it’s a good centre, and our kids are starting to orient themselves. Our eldest is doing us proud – introducing himself to his new carers and telling them his age, and asking where the toilets are, and telling his little sister that he will show her around on her first day. All this he came up with himself. He’s growing up and all the things we teach him are gradually sinking in.

After his 3rd week, however, he spat the dummy and didn’t want to go. I totally understand how he feels – I started a new job recently, and I didn’t know anyone, and no one offered to take me to lunch. But I am self sufficient and have dealt with this many times, while E-chan is dealing with it for probably the first time since he has been old enough to fully comprehend his position. By contrast, his baby sister bumbles along in the new centre and is happy to follow along other kids and play with new toys.

What to do? There is nothing we can do – we can’t change him back to his old centre, we can’t keep him at home with us, I can’t quit my job, I can’t get family to look after him. What’s more, he’ll go through all this again next year starting school. It’s just one of those situations where as a parent all you can do is offer your support and understanding and give lots of extra cuddles to cheer them up, because only he can teach himself how to make new friends…. a life skill truly worth learning.

----

And then there’s cycles of the menstrual kind. Apparently – according to my Dr – in your mid to late 30’s, cycles start to get irregular again. And for many, heavier. Great. My cycles have always been light and just under 4 weeks long, and I have just had a long time either pregnant or breastfeeding, which has meant no periods or very light ones. Part of me is transported back to my teens again, worried about when my period might start, will I be caught out without pads etc, wearing the wrong kind of thing? Exiting the “young lady” category is meant to be more dignified, surely?

My career still goes bung, boo hoo, what's that dear?

Attempts to find work have not been successful so far. Meanwhile, Astro girl has had 2 days of child care per week for 2 weeks now at the same centre as her big brother - we were offered the place and felt it would be silly to turn it down as places are rare, but unfortunately, finding a job hasn't followed yet... I was far luckier last time I came back from maternity leave - there were positions to apply for, and they went my way. This time, I've applied for a few and not been successful, or not been eligible. And had some weird interview situations. I seem to be lacking the boldness I had last time I was in this situation... becoming more wary of my own limitations, less willing to try anything. I suppose it's a case of being more experienced and wiser, but I don't think it's working in my favour.

Finding quality part-time work is a real challenge. For starters, I'm only available on 3 certain days a week, and I can't change those days easily - it would mean waiting for BOTH my kids to get child care days on different days of the week. Most part-time jobs have lower levels of responsibility, and hence also lower pay rates and are more mundane. So I've had a few moments of devastation - that I have no career; that I'm not likely to "get back in" to areas of work I'd like to be in any time soon (or maybe never); that while my hubby establishes his career in his particular field (since 2007) and works atrocious hours, I can't really do the same, or our life will be mayhem; that I've had a few unsuccessful interviews; that I'm still worried that I'm losing what skills I have; that I have no useful "trade"; that when I get to interviews and they ask the inevitable "what would you call your biggest strength?" I go COMPLETELY blank.

Then on the other hand, I have the kids. They are lovely, and I wouldn't swap being the mum of this family for the world.

Astro girl is crawling, cruising, climbing. She's cheeky, wants to join in on everything that everyone else does, and I'm sure she's bright, curious, talkative (for her age), and beautiful. She's a year old now, by the way. Time just flies.

E-chan is equally gorgeous. He bought me flowers yesterday (OK, with his dad's help, but it was his idea). He's interested in learning to read, has started drawing a lot, is creative (he can tell a good yarn too), sweet, and funny. And he's FOUR.

So life has its mixed blessings, I know. At least I have time to go to the gym once a week, and tend the pot plants. But I will need a job before too long, to bring some income into the house. Or else we will go backwards. And if you hear of a decent 2-3 day a week part time job going in Inner Sydney...

5318008

(Remember that trick you do with the calculator, where you end up with "5318008", and get the person holding the calculator to turn it upside down and read it, and it's a rude word?! This is my oh so clever way of avoiding spam....)

So, 5318008.

This will be my last ever post on the matter, promise! You may remember me mentioning* this last time I had a baby. I had a bit of trouble with breastfeeding. Main trouble was my baby didn't latch on properly for 9 weeks or so, and I couldn't produce enough milk, had to top up with formula, express milk, take pills of various kinds etc etc. There was also some possibility that my 8008's just didn't produce much milk. Something to do with boob shape - the midwives have been a lot more honest with me about it this time (last time they were frustratingly sketchy about it).

Well this time, with all other issues not an issue (ie Astrid feeds well, and like last time, I've done everything possible** to increase my supply), we still find we produce a woeful amount of milk. Plateauing at about 1/2 to 2/3 of what she needs. So it seems that yes, I do have the type of 8008's that don't produce much milk.

Non-mothers out there probably accept this without much question. But I find there are some breastfeeding advocates who don't accept this. They read in baby books sentences like "Only a small proportion of mothers will not have enough milk for their baby..." and for some reason interpret it as if everyone should have enough, when in fact a small proportion don't, and I'm one of them! I tell them I'd have to feed hourly around the clock or more often to satisfy my baby's needs, and maybe still not have enough, and their response is "well I had to feed every 2 hours for a while..." as if having to do that for a few weeks in the late afternoon while establishing supply or during a growth spurt is the same as having a baby that doesn't gain weight and has no energy. Anyway, enough of my whinging. I'm going to talk to the lactation nurse to find out the official medical term for someone like me, and have it ready to throw at the next "breastfeeding nazi" I come across! Also, people accept that some women have "fast flow" of milk without judgement, so why not slow flow too?

So what about the shape of my 8008's? See picture above. I found this courtesy of the Post Secret site, and was excited, as I rarely ever, in this silicone age, see breasts in images that look like mine! But they exist! Mine aren't tatooed, unfortunately, and are a little more rounded as I am breastfeeding. But they are kind of like the image above. I'm at peace with them now - they are how they are, even though poorly equipt with milk ducts. My husband likes them. And they produce roughly half of what my baby needs. Fortunately I also live in a 1st world country with adequate hygiene for formula feeding, formulas are a lot better these days, and I can co-bottle feed, and I don't have to hire a wet-nurse to feed my baby (or much, much worse...). So we're doing the unusual feeding method of breastfeeding at each feed, and topping up with a bottle. I'd love to just breastfeed, but can't. I'm not lazy, and nor am I ignorant about what needs to be done to maximize milk supply. So there!

All is going well! She's lovely, and we love her to bits. Nuff said.

* just a bit.

** believe me

Arthur? Martha? What? Who? How? WHEN?

Things are busy here at Chateau Meri. I realised over the weekend that there are only around 6 weeks until the arrival of the baby (by caesarian, I've decided), and had a bit of a melt down. On top of work being busy (don't want to talk about that, though), tomorrow is E-chan's birthday, and it is the first time he really gets what is going on, wants a party, and wanted to invite friends. Cute. It's a busy time of year for birthdays, because most of my Mother's group have birthdays around this time. Makes sense - that's how we met. But means there is something on each weekend.

BUT EVEN MORE STUFF TO DO!

I don't think I'm going to have much time between going on Mat leave and baby, so we have been packing all sorts of things into our weekends and week days. Fixing windows, painting oppressively dark bookshelves white, taking stock of our newborn clothes, bedding, bottles and bunny rugs, putting the rail back on the cot, re-arranging E-chan's room to accomodate his baby sister*, doctor's appointments, keeping toddlers amused, and mediating fights and tantrums caused by not wanting to share toys.

On top of that, a housing development - which is opposed by most residents in the area AND the council - has come back "revised" but not really any better, and residents in our area have had only a few weeks to gather responses (as opposed to those who propose the developments, who do it as a full-time job). We have reason to fear Council and resident objections will be ignored, the development will go ahead, and a precious patch of winter light and natural heating will be lost.

Health-wise we are OK. I had a cold, which has cleared mostly, but at the Dr's I recorded possibly my lowest ever blood pressure reading. Better than having hypertension, yes, but also means I can feel lethargic and dizzy. Baby is bearing down hard on my cervix lately, yet my lungs feel compressed and I feel breathless. Pregnancy is feeling much more undignified this time around. I probably have more on my plate this time, but it's partly age I think. Amazing what a difference it makes being only 3 years older. Greatest of respect to those to manage pregnancy in their 40's.

I am so far behind in writting letters/emails to dear friends, it's not funny. My hair hasn't had a trim for half a year. I better stop listing this stuff or I will have another melt down...

x

* too hard to keep it a secret this time - looks like we're having a girl.

Sleep torture

Lots of topics have come to the fore of my brain this week – it’s been another stress filled week, where my son has come down with gastro a second time, really badly, after having it last week and being temporarily sick with it, then having it move through the family, one by one, gradually recovering. This time, as if a cruel cosmic prank has been played on us, he has a night time cough, so that by day, we are changing nappies all the time, and at night, our sleep is interrupted by coughing at the least, and at other times a very upset little boy, working himself up into an inconsolable frenzy of coughing, crying, frustration at not being able to say what he wants to, and on 2 occasions, being sick all over me, so that we both have to have a midnight shower while Dad frantically cleans up around the place. Situations around you can seem worse than they actually are, in these conditions...

- To work or not to work?
That is not really the question. I kind of need to for now. But I'm beginning to see the attraction of being a full time mother. Especially when illnesses strike repeatedly. Cold after flu after gastro and back again at the beginning. It's wearing down our defenses. No matter how understanding your boss, or how family friendly your work-place's policies are, it's one of the downsides of being a working parent. Your private life is always thrust out there for all to see... "my son is sick, I have to work a half day today"... or "my son is sick, and my partner can't take today off". No matter whether you have enough leave, or if you make the time up later, you always feel as if you are on the back foot, in a poorer negotiating position.
I chat to my Mum about how they made do with less and she stayed home until I was three, then worked night shift at a nursing home so that she could be home for us. She was in the same boat as us, with all her family interstate as we grew up, but then airfares were more expensive and child care rare. But I also know for much of my childhood, my mother was unfulfilled on many levels. C-chan and I also think it would be preferable for us both to maybe work 3 or 4 days, or something like that. We'll aim for that in the long run. However on some levels I do think that E-chan benefits from his days in care - he's learning to share, care and befriend.

-Sick with worry...
E-chan has been sick so much this year, I'm beginning to worry about him. All anecdotal evidence suggests that in a few years, his immune system will strengthen, and he'll start fighting off more bugs than he comes down with. The Doctor has a sample in for analysis, says only time will mend things, and for him to rest, eat what he can and try to avoid lactose in case gastro-induced intolerance has set in. He's not dehydrated, and much of the day he seems happy and quite active. His height and weight are average, not below. He's delightful to be around most of the time (except when having the requisite 2 year old tantrum). But I hate to see him suffering - coughing and spluttering in the middle of the night, with a "tummy sore! tummy sore!", and NOT A THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT but give him cuddles, kisses, water, and maybe get him interested in a book to distract him from his aches, pains and coughing spasms.

- Career crisis #46
What area should I work in? Will I ever get to work in a field again that I really believe in? When and what might I study in the future? Is my career going backwards? Yawn.

- Why have my last 2 bosses been the same type of personality??
Having realised in the the last month that my current and last boss have both been of a similar personality, I this week almost wanted to give up. Too hard. (see below). Is dealing with these kinds of people a lesson the cosmos has decided I must learn? Do my bosses pick me because they think I'm a pushover and can boss me around? Why does it bug me that a Boss can boss me around - isn't that what bosses do? I know how to deal with them, so why don't I just do that? Why am I so bloody willful at times? Is it that hard to change as a just-over-30-year-old?

- I really need more than 3 hours sleep to function properly...
The actual source of most of my problems, insecurities, neuroses, tears and feelings of unempowerment this week, is sleep deprivation I realise, when I get out into the sunshine and talk to some friends.

- I am supermum!!
While Ethan was not fully recovered, he demanded to go to playgroup on his usual day. Climbed in the pram and waited for me to get ready, but insisting all the while we go to playgroup. So we got there late and left early, so he could have his fix of sandpits, toy kitchens, and trikes (I was careful to avoid contaminating others, and he mostly played on his own). I was on dishwashing duty and my phone rang, and it was a work related matter. I managed to hold an intelligent, 5 minute long conversation with someone whilst doing the dishes and keeping an eye on my 2-year-old. There wasn't even a moment later where I realised I omitted to say something, or said something wrong. I pulled off some multi-tasking there, and it felt fabulous! All is not quite that bad perhaps.

- Don Bradman's bloody cricket bat up for auction (again), a.k.a. "I can't believe the news today"
Is it just me, or does some Don Bradman memorabilia seem to be up for auction just about every week? I've yet to find a person who cares. So why does it keep turning up on the news and in papers? And in other news, greedy, large banking corporations are failing and going bankrupt and getting bailed out with hundreds of billions of dollars, while millions of middle to low income earners are being evicted, seeing their property's value plummet, or at the best, just managing to scrape together their mortgage payments, with no such help from their government. Even if every American citizen was given a million dollars, it would cost less than a billion dollars. Where is the equity in that?

- my friends are lovely
I'm inspired by my friends this week, they do all sorts of amazing things. They publish their own zines; they live overseas and work freelance; they suffer miscarriages and burst into tears telling us about it, but still see it from a philosophical perspective; they stick to their dreams, they say things like "they almost had us by the tits" instead of the masculine "they had us by the balls" in meetings and don't care that more conventional people sitting around the table are mouths agape (how I miss working with her!); they read books comparing Orwell and Evelyn Waugh and in her mummy-brain moment, mentions it to her mum-friends, apparently unaware that most of our company haven't read books by either of these authors (and even I, the next most well read in the group, could not get past the first page of Brideshead Revisited, despite having read a few Orwells). But what a mummy-brain moment to have?
And best of all, some of these new friends I've made since having E-chan are beginning to feel like old friends, like family.

new dwellings

Over a month has gone by in our new house and it feels properly like home now. I’m remembering where I put things, where Ethan is likely to put things, working out what we can live with and what perhaps could be fixed, and learning the lie of the neighbourhood. I’m getting much more exercise by walking to work most days (to the point where I might ditch the gym membership when it expires). But I’m also driving more – this is because there is no bus that will take me within a 15 minute walk to Ethan’s child care centre, which means it doesn’t really help to catch a bus in rainy weather. But again the drive is only a few Km.

The effect on Ethan was quite profound, as forewarned by our mother-of-two friend and veteran of 3 interstate moves. He still wants to go towards our old house sometimes on the way home. It took a few weeks for him to be OK with his new room, and he pulled all our strings to get us to come to him at night time, and even developed a new habit of wanting to come into our bed. We can’t get him to sleep in his bedroom during the day, and have to resort to pushing him to sleep in the pram (which we can’t really do in Summer, so we’ll have to work towards something else…). The whole move was a stressful nightmare. So many decisions to be made in rapid time, all the while life carries on, bills come in, we go to work, we plan and cook dinners, and try to find moments where we can enjoy ourselves. And for a while, everything seemed difficult and there was no relief in sight! AM NOT IN A HURRY TO MOVE AGAIN ANY TIME SOON!

Lately I’ve been, well, on the slightly more depressed end of my normal range (I know – I can feel your eyes wandering off into the distance, or focussing on the more interesting brightly coloured thing to the right of your screen…). To put things in perspective, I’m not often prone to getting very depressed and have never sought medical help for it (perhaps my life has been fortunate enough that nothing has ever sent me that low?). But there are patches – like most of us have, I assume – where there doesn’t seem to be much to look forward to, where certain aspects of your life seems irretrievably stuck and off track (e.g. “career”), where you feel unconnected, where you’re not sure what your strengths are anymore, where you are a stress ball and keep reacting to things you don’t usually react to, and you dwell on things, and assume the worst. And let’s not even cover what an impatient, un-fun mother I’ve been during this time (Ethan still loves me, bless him, but lately I haven’t felt like I’ve deserved it).

And I’ve decided I don’t like myself much when I’m stressed (does anyone actually like themselves when they are stressed?), and I haven’t yet learned how to manage that, or even think about how I might be able to change. I sometimes wonder if it is possible to change certain fundamental parts of your personality - I don’t think it’s easy to when you have little time and energy to devote to it.

So now we’re trying to take a breather – well as much as regular life allows. And life is looking up now - back on the up-cycle again. We even had friends over for dinner on Saturday night! Made ripper chocolate puds and caramelised onion (not eaten together, mind). And Ms J babysat for a few hours last night while I had to go somewhere! And my Dad is visiting this weekend. And another friend came back from overseas. And 2 friends have newborns! And another is recently pregnant!! And another is about to have twins! Ooh! AND I may have another niece or nephew early next year too - babies babies!

my frankly vulgar green pullover (part 10?)

Things are getting a bit dire in the wardrobe stakes if the best you can muster to wear to work on a COLD COLD day is too-long denim jeans that you haven’t managed to take up yet, brown, ankle-high boots, and a green roll-neck jumper. A jumper that you later realise has a small hole in the back and that’s right – I’d forgotten - a bit of wool has caught and won’t go back in place from when you borrowed your brothers jacket and it had inward facing rough Velcro on it, silly. Oh and a shapeless dark grey coat to wear outside.

I sometimes like to think that it is good not to be obsessed with appearance. My scale of things I make time for during leisure time:

High – seeing friends and talking to family, eating nice food (including shopping for it), thinking and talking about stimulating and important issues (!)
Medium – watching a few certain television programs (even if recorded and watched later), exercise, reading, listening to music, bitching and moaning
Low – waxing, haircutting, applying makeup, shopping for clothes*, styling hair
Virtually never – colour hair, paint nails, drawing#*, painting* and sewing*

* I have to say I enjoy doing, but OPPORTUNITIES ARE RARE WHEN YOU HAVE A TODDLER WITH YOU MUCH OF THE TIME!!
# excluding texta scribbles in scrapbooks, which I’m doing lots of at present

So you see, even exercise ranks higher than grooming. But all this is hardly virtuous if you start each day struggling to put together a look you are happy with from your wardrobe, want to get rid of half of it but then you’d only have half a wardrobe, or be wearing the same thing over and over… hardly proves you are not preoccupied with appearance, does it?

So Monday, I planned to spend a clothing voucher, but ran out of time. The other week, I got a wax for the first time in god knows how long (I was getting horrified glances at my middle regions from young girls in the showers at the swimming pool! I could almost see them alarmed at the thought that they might end up like this at the onset of puberty!!) Now I just need to take care of my legs; but then, it’s winter, right? Tomorrow night, I’m having my first hair cut in over 6 months (things got a bit awkward with my regular hairdresser once they messed up an appointment and I couldn’t reschedule due to flying out interstate the next day, so I’m trying a new one…)

I noticed a groovy little 2nd hand clothes store not 5 minutes from my new home. Maybe that will help? And Angel finally gave me a solution to my longstanding problem in finding knee high boots that fit my what apparently are MASSIVE calves (if average boots are anything to go by) – a friend of hers just gave up looking and had some tailor made!! What an idea! Get a brown and black pair done at the same time!! Worth it, I think because I’ve shopped around for a pair every year for the past 5 years or so, and they keep coming back in fashion.

To do list:
- Out with the daggy, saggy, one size too big (I’ve lost weight in the past year or so, it seems) dull coloured clothes!
- Make an effort to get those suit pants taken in so they aren’t constantly being hoiked up!
- get some boots made that FIT MY CALVES

Who wants to make a clothes shopping date? I need both work and casual clothes…

Wimpy immune system, get some muscle!!

For some reason, Blogger won't let me type in my post title. Anyhow that's irrelevant.

My immune system and I aren't talking as of now. I have caught my second cold in about a month. My son has had 3 colds since starting child care, which I kind of expected but had perhaps unrealistically hoped he had my Mother's robust constitution, innately. My immune system, which I used to be able to boast would withstand colds that C-chan would succumb to (yeah, go me!), has packed up and gone on holiday somewhere no doubt with palm trees and daily maxima in the high twenties, while I linger on in Sydney's coldest months (which really isn't cold at all, but you acclimatise the longer you live in a place, don't you?). I'm hoping it is getting lots of exercise and rest and staying in a health farm, ready to come back and work for me.

In addition, I have a subcutaneous lump the size of a 10c piece on my right arm right where my dust mite injection was... well injected... 4 days ago. The pollen injection reaction isn't as bad, apparently.

Hmph!

Dear Employers,

Please create more part time positions for parents and/or other people who want to work part time for lifestyle reasons. And please don't make them all "Part Time Executive Assistant/ Secretarial/Receptionist" style jobs and salary levels - create them at all levels of work! Not everyone who wants part time work is a secretary. And not everyone who works part time should be on a crap salary level!

In addition, or perhaps as an alternative, could you please warmly consider applications for shared jobs where it is possible, and state that you do this clearly on the Job Ad or workplace website?

Thanks for your consideration. Your compliance in these matters will be setting a new standard of equal opportunity and occupational health!

Kind regards,
Meririsa

matters to churn through...

This morning I have an uneasy stomach. Not an upset stomach in the usual sense, but just butterflies. I'm not entirely sure why I should... today is C-chan's first day on his new job as a lawyer, so perhaps it is sympathetic nerves for him? After all these years of fitting in part time study around work, today is the day where he starts to find out if this kind of work is for him. Both of us have been trying to not make it into a big deal, but now that he's gone off to his first day of work, E-chan is napping, and I'm alone. I finally have time to dwell on all this, and I'm feeling for him.

Or maybe I'm worried about it being just E-chan and me on our own again? E-chan cried out a few times after his dad left this morning! He's been very lucky with 6 weeks of us all hanging out as a family, where Dad and Mum have been equal in our parenting duties more or less. And 3 weeks over christmas on top of that. I think he knew something was up last night and this morning - I'm convinced that the sensitive little critter can sense many of our moods. He woke up early yesterday evening and cried inexplicably and it took us a while to settle him again (this is something that only happens every so often now). And this morning, we had to work hard with the silly faces, upbeat chat and cuddles to get him to crack a smile. But things will be OK, I think, and he'll get used to it just being the 2 of us again soon enough.

The only other possible reason for butterflies is that it's crunch time for me to deal with my own issues again. I don't know about you, but I find it hard to focus on me when there is someone else around constantly. If there is someone else there to distract me, entertain me, talk to, I find it's all too convenient a process to procrastinate dealing with those sorts of things I'm not too keen to deal with. I.e. that for the first time since starting work full time, I'm unemployed in the earning money sense. That hit me with a thump just then. Don't get me wrong, am loving being a full time Mum. But in the strange contradictory way we often feel things, I'm also missing the security of being able to think ahead 6 months and have an idea of what I'll be doing, bankable income, where we'll be able to afford to live etc etc. We can survive on one income for a while, but not indefinitely. And the longer I leave going back to work, the harder it will get. And folks, the part time job market SUCKS.

It's hard to get into the right sort of self-confident mindset you need to argue your worth to a potiential new imployer when you know you have the big negative bargaining chip of wanting part time work looming in your head. Working full time while E-chan is so young is just not conceivable to me. Casual work is not reliable enough to cover child care costs. My mind is going around in circles, then like stepping off the merry-go-round, I avoid the whole issue by escaping in a book (or blogging?). But no doubt I'll force myself into action soon enough now that I have more time to think about myself.

And a genuine thanks to commenters on the last couple of posts, and sorry I didn't even acknowledge them. Things have been busy. Oh, and for a while, C-chan accidentally used up our broadband allowance for the month by Ewe-tubing (sic - nothing to do with sheep, I promise). We were on regular phone line speed for a week or two - click and wait half a minute for a web-page to appear stuff - which amazingly after only 8 months on broadband is already inacceptable.

Hi my name is Hugh Jass

So here I am 6 months post-birth and I figured I have the right to one big whinge about my body. Actually, in the big scheme of things, I have little to complain about, as you wouldn't necessarily know I'd had a baby recently... I think swimming must tone those stomach muscles back into shape. So this is more of a general whinge....

...Sprurred by an attempt to buy some new pants. I always find this traumatic. My body has a narrowish waist, "good thighs and calves" (ie muscly yet with a good softening layer of fat), short legs and round hips. Call me a muscly pear. Jeans are designed for people with narrower legs and hips, and longer legs. Therefore at best I'll find jeans that fit perfectly but need to be taken up.

I don't have a pot belly, therefore side-on, I'll look in the mirror and think to myself "yeah, you're kinda in shape, go you!". Today I tried on some jeans at shop where usually I find exactly the right size and fit (bar length) and found not only had I gone up a size, but MY ARSE LOOKED HUGE! Arrrrgh!

Then there's my arms. They are getting quite muscly also from lifting and carrying an 8kg child around quite a lot. Arms also have soft protective fatty layer on top of muscle therefore appear quite large. The other day I saw a photo taken of me where I swear my arms looked so big I looked like a transvestite - a man dressed up as a woman, except of course I am a woman and would rather look like one (no offence to anyone who wouldn't rather). Worse still, this picture of me is floating around on the net somewhere on someone else's site. Would love to ask them to pull said photo, but it's the only one of me taken at a social occasion, and I'd feel very superficial asking them to do so.

Not suprising really. I have kind of eased off on the pavement pounding lately, and probably overindulging a touch with the food. So short of C-chan's most helpful suggestion that if it bothers me so much why don't I walk around sideways all the time so people can see my "good sides"*, I'm going to make sure I walk a bit more every day (properly, not side on), swim twice a week, and cut down on some foody overindulgences... Nice, sensible, gradual, nothing too drastic. Well let's see.

*he of course is humouring me and doesn't see what all the fuss is about...

Teeny weaning E-chan

Well the decision has been made. To wean or not to wean is no longer the question.
We will wean.

Eight weeks of trying has been a champion effort, we think. Many mothers with similar problems give up before now, and I have explored every single avenue possible. I've tried positioning, resting lots, eating lots, expressing, herbal teas and drugs to get my supply up and provide enough milk; and I've tried positioning in umpteen ways, lactation consultant visits and osteopaths to try to get little E-chan to attach properly, which is the key to everything when it comes to breastfeeding (correct attachment does not hurt the mother, and ensures efficient feeding and that the mother's supply meets the demand of the growing bub).

It seems that E-chan's difficult deliverly led to some jaw problems which set us down the path of not being able to feed - I'm not sure that anything could have been done better except for perhaps an earlier detection of his jaw problem, but it seems that none of the midwives at the hospital had the experience to pick that up, and treatment hasn't really helped for longer than a day or two anyway. I still get sore because he still doesn't attach properly - I think it is that he can't rather than he won't.

Weaning probably won't take too long, given I was producing at most half of his daily food intake on both sides. Will have an appointment with a midwife on Monday to ensure I'm going about it the right way and won't get mastitis, lumps or any other complications. So from now on we can plan to be more mobile and active, which is nice. I can start going for longer walks with the pram so long as I have packed enough bottles and nappies!

I thought a weight would lift off my shoulders once this decision had been made. I know it's the right decision for us, and there are many positives, but apparently there is still some self-imposed guilt to feel, and even grief as the midwife I spoke to today told me. Didn't think you could grieve for not being able to breasfeed, but there you go. It's an emotional thing, letting go of breastfeeding, and apparently even mothers who are giving it up after a good year or two can feel a bit emotional about it. For me it's probably a bit of grieving for what E-chan and I never really managed to get right.

Just an hour or two ago, I fed him a bottle, and afterwards, his little arms clumsily groped towards my breast as if to say "give me some of this too". I suppose this is where the guilt will come in. I was touched, however - I never knew he liked being breastfed, because he was frequently crying as I put him on, or when I had to detach him because his little jaw was hurting me too much, or he whimpered because he probably couldn't get comfortable or he wasn't getting enough milk. I'll need to find something else to replace the physical closeness of breastfeeding I suppose - I don't want to deprive him of that. Luckily I'm very inclined to want frequent cuddles.

So today is an appropriately miserable grey day here in Sydnonee... I plan to cry as much as I have to, to get this out of my system, so I don't keep bursting into tears when I talk to midwives, doctors, other mothers, my mother, C-chan, and most importantly, E-chan, for days to come...

Well I'm giving it my best shot...

The last day or two I am considering weaning E-chan from breastfeeding. This is one of the most upsetting decisions I have ever had to make in my entire life, and not one I'm reaching easily. I have shed quite a few tears over it - it's quite an emotional thing for me not being able to breastfeed my baby. I'm reaching the point where I think it might be better for my health and happiness and everyone else's in the household too if we wean him soon and go on to formula.

For over 7 weeks I have been battling huge obstacles - E-chan not learning to attach, finding out it was jaw related (which was a relief - at least it wasn't anything I was doing wrong), then trying to get his jaw treated, all the while battling on with at times painful feeds (when it should be painless after the first week or so), having to top up what he eats with formula, and expressing milk to try to increase my supply, and E-chan crying a lot during feeding as he waits for his bottle etc etc. I'm producing 1/2 to a 2/3 of what he needs, which could be because he isn't attaching properly, or another physiological problem of mine altogether, or both.

Feeding is taking up so much time (feed, then bottle top up, then expressing), when I'd rather be spending time with him playing or walking the streets with him in a pram to rehabilitate my gumby leg. I couldn't have lasted this long if I didn't have such a supportive partner (hooray for C-chan), who gets up at night to help out despite working full time, but I'm on my own most days. My earlier concerns about the allergy genes in my family and feeding E-chan formula take second place now. Genetics are by far a bigger factor in getting allergies, and there are good formulas out there these days where the proteins are broken down into components so that they shouldn't cause an immune response in babies.

The only thing that is keeping me going with the breastfeeding this week is that we had 24 hours of blissful normal feeding a week or so ago following E-chan's appointment at the Osteopath. It just felt right, on the verge of enjoyable. Then apparently he started his 6-week growth spurt and the jaw problem had a throwback or something. Treatment is helping for short periods but then I have 3-4 days wait until the next appointment which is getting less bearable. Some people think I should just give up now and bottle feed, but I'm trying to block out those opinions for the timebeing.

The up sides of stopping breastfeeding for me would be that I wouldn't have to worry about resting so much (as no longer trying to increase milk supply) and I can get back into swimming or walking which I love doing and keeps me sane, that C-chan or I can do the feeding, and that there will be fewer tears from me and E-chan.

Please please PLEASE never judge a woman for not breastfeeding. If she has been through as much as I have trying to establish feeding and failed, she would have faced the prospect of nipple pain vs a screaming starving child, may have gone through feelings of inadequacy, had annoying people judging her for bottle feeding, and now has the inconvenience of having to plan to take a few bottle feeds with her wherever she and her baby go. And then there's the added expense of the formula and bottles and sterilising equipment. Believe me, it is not the easy option.

Here's hoping my next post on this topic will have some better news... fingers crossed.

Cuddles and identity crises

E-chan: Waaaa Waaaa
Mumirisa: What's wrong? Do you want a cuddle? (picks up E-chan)
E: gngnnngngnnnnnnn (starts snoring instantly)
M: Well, back to bed then...

Have noticed an alarming trend arising in which I refer to myself as "mummy", not just out loud to E-chan, but also to myself in my head, or talking aloud to self:
"Does Mummy want a cup of tea?" or "Time for mum to have lunch, I think..."
And poor C-chan gets called "Dad" by me half the time (when E-chan is in earshot).

Nipple cripple & expressing yourself

Within 2 days of giving birth, I had serious nipple cripple* in left breast. Turns out there are several crucial thing about breastfeeding that caused this:

- baby over a week overdue... tend to be bigger, suck hard, and are extremely hungry.
- fair anglo saxon skin, and sensitive nipples. Wish I'd spent more time topless at the beach**, toughening up the nipples . Some harsh handling would probably also have prepared me for the pain. Should have perhaps considered some S&M during some more experimental phases in my life.
- baby not latching on with correct technique. This is hard for both mother and baby to master, especially when there is no expert watching on assisting***. In fact, I wonder how the hell anyone used to manage out in the wild when we were hunter gatherers.

Then there is my breast shape. One of my adolescent insecurities was my breast size and shape. Never saw anyone with a simlar shape... I won't descibe them too much because you never know who's lurking in cyber-land. But it seems my breast shape has been noticed in lactation midwife circles to be a type that is sometimes (but not always) not able to establish breastfeeding fully due to supply issues. (Next time I see you all, I bet I catch you gawking at my chest - I don't care by now, as it seems everyone under the sun including brother in law has seen my top half naked, and half of those have inspected my undercarriage as well to see how the stiches are coming along...).

The midwives broke this news to me gently, but for a week or so, it was my worst nightmare of suspected inadequacies being realised. Meanwhile, the other breast was succumbing to and equally bad case of nipple cripple. I had to take baby off the breast entirely and feed it formula or starve it. Hard when you want to breastfeed, but no alternative. Breastmilk is produced on a supply-demand basis, so we had to do things to keep the supply going in the meantime. I was totally amazed at the range of techniques and products available to "express" milk with. Had to do it by hand as pumps were too harsh at first (yes they have motorised pumps for this kind of thing).

I kept thinking of that scene in "Meet the Parents" where Ben Stiller's character describes milking a cat's nipples. Step back a few metres from my life and it all seems surreal. For a while in hospital it was too painful to do myself (kind of like having to rip a band aid off a hairy leg), so midwives would help me, kind of like milk maids. Surreal. Luckily, all was starting to heal by the time I left hospital, and was able to do it myself, and later was able to use a pump, which is nowhere near as labour intensive.

So how has breastfeeding gone post-hospital? I have been getting advice from 3 midwives (2 public, one privately engaged), and we have had to be taught how to do it again almost from scratch. All the while things have been hectic, as we have been trying to boost my supply, and we have a crazy production line of me feeding as much as I can, then handing him over to someone else to top-up bottle feed, while going off to express. This all takes up quite a lot of time, when you include washing and cleaning bottles, and we need a 3rd person around to help when C-chan is at work (he had to work last week and this week, but can take some time off after the new fin-year starts).

Monday I fed E-chan on the breast 3 times, with almost no pain at all on the right hand side. Managed it 4x yesterday, and hope to again today. Saw a midwife at the hospital clinic this arvo, and she was amazed at our progress given how things were when I left hospital. Feel more upbeat after this than I have in ages.... Might be able to breastfeed afterall, to some extent or even fully. Just need to build my supply. Fingers crossed...


* Pretty bad even by the lactation midwife's experience. Not a pretty site. Scabs included. Ugh.
** Have not spent time topless at beach since pre-pubescent...
*** All I can say is thank god I was in this well resourced public hospital, with 1 lactation specialist on duty each day plus 5-6 midwifes on a ward of 56 or so patients. I hear some other public hospitals have 40 beds and a grand total of one regular midwife on duty. No wonder so many women give up breastfeeding so early on.

staying sane and cutting the clutter...

Geez I’m tired this week. Asleep by 9:30 most nights, and usually fall asleep on the couch waiting for C-chan to get home from Uni. Just exhausted by it all. On Saturday, I had to have 2 naps during the day. Mind you, I am frequently waking up during the night now (needing to swap sides or go pee), then my ridiculous internal alarm clock goes off before 6, at which I groan and think “too early”, but know I won’t get back to sleep properly before it’s time to get up.

Walking to work the other morning, I passed a woman on a scooter, hooning around the bend, laughing maniacally! C-chan was just saying to that morning that he knows he’s going to break into maniacal laughter at some point soon, and not be able to stop. It’s only a matter of time. There is just so much going on in our lives it's ridiculous.

However, despite the physical difficulties, preganancy seems to lull me into a tired but happy "don't worry about anything too much" mood most of the time. Work is giving me the utter s**ts at present, however. Can't wait to not be there, but getting through my workload this month is going to be stressful.

One thing we are struggling to do is to reduce the amount of things in our house to make way for essential baby requirements (space + gear). Not much room in a 2br unit, but we are constantly battling to not accumulate things. Just went thru our bookshelves and got rid of some books - gave some away, sold some, some are in boxes under the bed for when we are in a bigger house one day. I joined the library so that I can borrow books and not accumulate them. But we are already running out of book space again. It's not just books - we keep accumulating DVD's also*.

Am resisting buying everything under the sun for baby also - figure if I really need something we don't have, we can get it after bub is born without too much drama. I know people who have survived without things like change tables, and damnit, I'm going to try too rather than have a largish bit of superfluous furniture that I have no space for.

Funny how insistant people can be with advice, even when you have demonstrated that you have read up on things or talked to recent parents in similar circumstances to yourself before making a firm decision on something. My parents and in-laws are being great in this regard - they're backing right off and waiting for us to ask for advice - I think that so much has changed in the past 30 years that they realise their role is to support, talk about their experience, and be a sounding board, rather than to give un-asked-for advice. Mum was telling me that her first pregnancy was fraught with worry. She says it's important to put your health and happiness first, and babies are so sensitive to your emotional state. You can't let little things bother you too much - I've got to stop caring about things I can't do anything about or that are unimportant to me in the big scheme of things.

* anyone interested in a "loan" of either the 3 hour Russian Space epic Solaris or the "classic" Italian film La Strada? Given to us while overseas when someone we barely know felt obliged to give us presents without really knowing our tastes. Both movies look stunning, but lack engaging plots. And Italian "humour" isn't something I've ever really cottoned onto. We've had them a few years and never got further than 30mins into them, but don't let that put you off - YOU might enjoy it.

TV gives you nightmares… don’t watch it!!

Am watching “Carnivale” on the national broadcaster and loving it… the freaky events of a carnival – with midget, bearded lady, fortune-telling tarot readers, and healers who can channel life forces from one living thing to another - travelling around America’s south during the Great Depression, and a parallel story of preacher’s rise to fame at the same time… Except the preacher is possessed and only a few people know, and anyone else who finds out tends to end up dead… Last night was a particularly freaky episode. It’s really the only thing on television that I am watching at the moment.

But last night, I had trouble getting to sleep, and while I slipped in and out of consciousness, images of Brother Justin’s black possessed eyes willing another’s wisdom teeth to fall out with a gush of blood, a man’s head getting chopped off, and snake charmer woman being possessed with the spirit of the bearded lady’s dead lover just worked their way into my dream state and caused me to be a little scared!! This has not happened to me in a long time. Full points to the show for the experience it provides!