30 July 2006

late 80's early 90's flashbacks

C-chan - ever the hobbyist compilation maker - has just made a compilation or two of late 80's early 90's songs, catapulting me back into the middle years of high school with a thump.

Ah - PM Dawn, with "Set Adrift on Memory Bliss"... one of the first songs I remember with a recognisable sample (Spandeau Ballet); "Busta Move" by Young MC; "Push it" by Salt-n-Pepa; "Fight for your right to Party" by the Beasties; "Insane in the Membrane" by Cypress Hill; and "Trout" by Neneh Cherry and Michael Stipe. To name a few.

Takes me back to days of bludging school (insert sharp intake of breath)*, getting pretend drunk on alcohol-free wine purchased from the supermarket, or later, potent cocktails of whatever we could safely raid from the folks' liquour cabinet, or strongbows if our big brothers were willing to buy it for us, roaming the neighbourhood with friends at night, and sneaking for walks along the train tracks (not too dangerous in 'delaide, because in off-peak trains only come every hour anyway).

Ah, those were the days... were they? Happy to be without the teen angst and puppy fat, but I note that there aren't that many daring boundaries I am even interested in pushing at the moment. I have a different concept of boundaries I'd like to push these days I suppose...

Must check on the baby... who'll be going through a teenagerhood of his own in 14 or so years time. I wonder what boundaries he'll be trying to push? and what limits C-chan and I will be trying to set?

*nb I did this to see if I could get away with it, not because I particularly hated school or was cool

29 July 2006

Babies are funny little creatures...

I just noticed yesterday when E-chan was stretching his little arms above his head that his hands barely clear the top of his head. Stretch out your arms above your head - go on. Elbows about level with the top of your head, right? Now imagine that your arms were only as long as your elbows!! I suppose his arms and legs will get longer and his head will get proportionately smaller, but for now, it's amusing. Don't tell him I laughed at him though...

He's also cracking lots of smiles. Mostly in response to us smiling at him, but it's lovely nonetheless.

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By the way, I keep getting this blogger account information email, as if someone is trying to change my password. Only it's not me. Must be someone else who thinks they have the same login name as me. Or something more sinister?!! Someone trying to control my life via my blog? Someone trying to login to remove things I've written, or worse, add things in?

26 July 2006

Well I'm giving it my best shot...

The last day or two I am considering weaning E-chan from breastfeeding. This is one of the most upsetting decisions I have ever had to make in my entire life, and not one I'm reaching easily. I have shed quite a few tears over it - it's quite an emotional thing for me not being able to breastfeed my baby. I'm reaching the point where I think it might be better for my health and happiness and everyone else's in the household too if we wean him soon and go on to formula.

For over 7 weeks I have been battling huge obstacles - E-chan not learning to attach, finding out it was jaw related (which was a relief - at least it wasn't anything I was doing wrong), then trying to get his jaw treated, all the while battling on with at times painful feeds (when it should be painless after the first week or so), having to top up what he eats with formula, and expressing milk to try to increase my supply, and E-chan crying a lot during feeding as he waits for his bottle etc etc. I'm producing 1/2 to a 2/3 of what he needs, which could be because he isn't attaching properly, or another physiological problem of mine altogether, or both.

Feeding is taking up so much time (feed, then bottle top up, then expressing), when I'd rather be spending time with him playing or walking the streets with him in a pram to rehabilitate my gumby leg. I couldn't have lasted this long if I didn't have such a supportive partner (hooray for C-chan), who gets up at night to help out despite working full time, but I'm on my own most days. My earlier concerns about the allergy genes in my family and feeding E-chan formula take second place now. Genetics are by far a bigger factor in getting allergies, and there are good formulas out there these days where the proteins are broken down into components so that they shouldn't cause an immune response in babies.

The only thing that is keeping me going with the breastfeeding this week is that we had 24 hours of blissful normal feeding a week or so ago following E-chan's appointment at the Osteopath. It just felt right, on the verge of enjoyable. Then apparently he started his 6-week growth spurt and the jaw problem had a throwback or something. Treatment is helping for short periods but then I have 3-4 days wait until the next appointment which is getting less bearable. Some people think I should just give up now and bottle feed, but I'm trying to block out those opinions for the timebeing.

The up sides of stopping breastfeeding for me would be that I wouldn't have to worry about resting so much (as no longer trying to increase milk supply) and I can get back into swimming or walking which I love doing and keeps me sane, that C-chan or I can do the feeding, and that there will be fewer tears from me and E-chan.

Please please PLEASE never judge a woman for not breastfeeding. If she has been through as much as I have trying to establish feeding and failed, she would have faced the prospect of nipple pain vs a screaming starving child, may have gone through feelings of inadequacy, had annoying people judging her for bottle feeding, and now has the inconvenience of having to plan to take a few bottle feeds with her wherever she and her baby go. And then there's the added expense of the formula and bottles and sterilising equipment. Believe me, it is not the easy option.

Here's hoping my next post on this topic will have some better news... fingers crossed.

23 July 2006


Mein Got!
I have a beautiful baby sleeping away in his crib in the room next to me!!!
I'm a mother, and I've kept this baby alive and well for 6 weeks!!!
(sorry, just pinched myself)

So how about this parenthood stuff so far? Well, hard to say. Ultimate lesson in selflessness and patience. Joy in the small things, the little steps. Changing nappies is one of the easiest things to master...

For hours I could stare at his little round alert eyes, stroke his fluffy hair, stroke his smooth smooth skin on his arms or tummy, kiss his cheek repeatedly, eskimo kiss his nose, play with his little hands... Sigh!

21 July 2006

Cuddles and identity crises

E-chan: Waaaa Waaaa
Mumirisa: What's wrong? Do you want a cuddle? (picks up E-chan)
E: gngnnngngnnnnnnn (starts snoring instantly)
M: Well, back to bed then...

Have noticed an alarming trend arising in which I refer to myself as "mummy", not just out loud to E-chan, but also to myself in my head, or talking aloud to self:
"Does Mummy want a cup of tea?" or "Time for mum to have lunch, I think..."
And poor C-chan gets called "Dad" by me half the time (when E-chan is in earshot).

19 July 2006

finding my feet...

Things seem to be getting easier and more enjoyable. Had a great day today - didn't venture outside (didn't want to as weather totally crap), but managed to get lots done including playing with E-chan and video skyping my parents so they could go all ga gaa over him. Am getting better at knowing what he wants when he wants it, so the crying has reduced quite a lot, and he's getting much more sleep (and so am I), so is happier when awake. E-chan is getting good at lifting his neck up and has started making cute little noises! We get lots of smiles also!! Can only manage one outing a day though - did 2 yesterday, and it seemed like way too much to manage.

Went to my 3rd mothers group yesterday, and gradually we are getting to know each other and have fun together with out babies. At the mention of potentially forming a babysitting group yesterday, about 8 of us exchanged details. One of the other mothers lives a hop, skip and a jump away and most are in the same suburb, so it seems likely that a good support network can grow!

15 July 2006

Interview anyone?

Anyone looking for a job, unemployed, perhaps scraping by on the dole or their savings? JetStarr has some openings at the moment... The only catch is you have to fork out $89 dollars to have a personality test done for them!

Is this the start of interviews for the highest bidder in a competitive job market? This is so brilliant I thought I should think up some similar ways to earn an income when my maternity leave pay runs out. $5 a visit/photo/cuddle with bub?

Doting relative: "can I have a cuddle?"
Meririsa: "yes, but that will be $5 thanks - I'm sure you understand we gotta pay the bills somehow!"
Doting relative: "but he's my grandson!!"
Meririsa: "yes, but you get some tangible benefit from it... Warm fuzzy feelings, security that your own genes are passed on and all that"
Doting relative: "?" (privately thinking that it's time we were excommunicated...)

14 July 2006

Mothers' group

Munchkin is stirring, so not sure how much of this post will get written in one go.

Have been to 2 mother's groups in past fortnight or so. An interesting affair, convened by a midwife, in which a large group of mothers sit around in a circle for 2 hours, bubs lying down on a rug on the floor sleeping or their version of playing, or crying and being cuddled, or being fed/burped/jiggled. Most don't make it to the group before baby is 3 weeks of age, and you "graduate" when your baby is 12 weeks.

It's a useful 2 or so hours. The midwife calls for topics at the start of the group, and we discuss them - everything from baby first aid, to sleep requirements, to the use of dummies, to developing your baby's neck muscles by putting them on their tummies 4 times a day. In the group, there are mums that worry about their baby stopping breathing at night, mothers that change their bub's whole outfit at the smallest sign of baby spew (this seems a bit much to me, or am I just a grot?!), mothers that bring along chocolate brownies for all to enjoy (how sweet!!), mothers that have similar problems to me but are further along the track in rectifying them, mothers whose partners aren't very into helping with the baby (not me! phew!) and mothers that are experimenting with new techniques in sleeping and feeding.

Don't know how long it will take me to make friends, but I only have about 8 more weeks to bond with someone and form an ongoing private mother's group, so the pressure is on! A bit of a daunting prospect for a person who sits back and watches for a while before befriending a person. I am sussing out the mothers who have babies around the same age as mine for starters, but it is hard to form an impression of someone in 2 hours. Maybe I'll take the plunge this time and do the organising myself?? It's that, or be relatively isolated in the world of child rearing...

05 July 2006

Fun with nicknames

One thing I'm finding is that along with parenthood I am developing a bit of a talent for coming up with new nicknames for the youngster. I was coming up with at least one new one a day a little while back, but now the favourites are beginning to get used regularly and new ones only spring up every so often. Here's a sample:

- Munchkin (OK, so not original, but he is very munchin-y)
- Munchkin-face
- Munchkinator (a favourite)
- Senor E-chan
- Young/Little Mister (Sorry Mermaidgrrrl, I try not to use the latter 'cause you grabbed that one first but it slips out sometimes)
- Twinkletoes
- Sweet Pea
- Possum (thank goodness he is developing cuddly tendancies)

He will be mortified if I keep using most of these beyond school age, but I doubt he can stop me. It's the role of the parent, after all, to embarrass their offspring up until the end of school-age... yes?

04 July 2006

Lady you don't have a lot of nerve...

Update on leg if you're interested... Tests showed yesterday that I suffered some nerve death during labour. Next birth I go through will have to be a c-section unless I want to risk the nerves that are left, but that's no big deal in the big scheme of things. Full leg function should return, as new nerve fibres will grow from the remaining nerves to compensate. Hopefully my limp and slow walking pace will all be a distant memory by the end of the year....

Master of small things
Meanwhile back at the ranch, E-chan is mastering some basics:
- projectile snot and vomit in Mum's hair (tick!)
- projectile wee in middle of nappy change (tick!)
- and Dad's favourite... poo squashed up the leg and back requiring a full outfit change! (tick!!)
- grabbing (has action right but no strength)
- smiling (tick! very cute little crumby smiles at play time)
- focussing on basic pictures 30cm away (tick!)

Mum is trying to master settling E-chan in between feeds, and team E-chan are all trying to master breastfeeding with still some attachment problems (we're seeing an osteopath tomorrow in the hope that might correct something).

Ciao for now... there's something to attend to as usual!

01 July 2006

Last of the visitors for a while...

I think our flat is too small for houseguests staying with us as of now. Maybe when baby is older and sleeping and feeding a bit predictably we can consider it again. Especially not guests who have a freakish disregard for personal boundaries...

Honestly - it's a curious phenomenon, and I can't remember meeting any other adult with similar tendancies. Most people learn that they need a certain amount of time to themselves to just collect their thoughts, and respect that people they are staying with might require the same. Especially where a 2br flat is concerned. This houseguest would sit hovvering, watching everything I did and jumping up at slightest indication I might need help, and commenting on everything I say or do or don't do.

I don't want to feel ungrateful for the help around the house that this person offered. Sounds hard to fault, I know (therin lies the problem of discussing this issue with such a person), but all this resulted in me feeling like:
a) I was inept and needed help with everything
b) I had no room to make mistakes of my own
c) I couldn't cry, have a bad moment or even fart if I felt like it
d) "everyone" gets to see me at my worst, but in order to feel OK about yourself in these circumstances, you need some offer of intimacy in return, and I didn't get this

I cracked yesterday (well, I'm a bit stressed out at the moment with everything that's going on, not to mention my hormones have dropped lower than they've been for the last 9 months), and afterwards tried to apologise to our houseguest, explaining that it's been more than 3 weeks in confined spaces and having no time to myself or even with just me and my baby. I explained that it's important to me that I am prepared for being on my own with the baby, and that I develop some skill in settling him and feeding him myself. I also explained that I've had no choice at all about having to share the most unpleasant intimate moments (along with the good ones) with people I usually wouldn't choose to share such unpleasant moments with.

To this I was told that "it's not all about me". I don't think it is, but some of it is about me, I'm coping with a fair bit at the moment (sob), and I'm a firm believer that you need to have yourself in some sort of order to function properly. A bit of time devoted to self maintenance does everyone reliant on you the world of good.

One thing I have gained I think is some insight into how you'd need to treat an adult who is sick and under your care. You need to ensure they have some dignity, privacy, be encouraged to do what they can for themself, and have some variety and choice in company.