I think our flat is too small for houseguests staying with us as of now. Maybe when baby is older and sleeping and feeding a bit predictably we can consider it again. Especially not guests who have a freakish disregard for personal boundaries...
Honestly - it's a curious phenomenon, and I can't remember meeting any other adult with similar tendancies. Most people learn that they need a certain amount of time to themselves to just collect their thoughts, and respect that people they are staying with might require the same. Especially where a 2br flat is concerned. This houseguest would sit hovvering, watching everything I did and jumping up at slightest indication I might need help, and commenting on everything I say or do or don't do.
I don't want to feel ungrateful for the help around the house that this person offered. Sounds hard to fault, I know (therin lies the problem of discussing this issue with such a person), but all this resulted in me feeling like:
a) I was inept and needed help with everything
b) I had no room to make mistakes of my own
c) I couldn't cry, have a bad moment or even fart if I felt like it
d) "everyone" gets to see me at my worst, but in order to feel OK about yourself in these circumstances, you need some offer of intimacy in return, and I didn't get this
I cracked yesterday (well, I'm a bit stressed out at the moment with everything that's going on, not to mention my hormones have dropped lower than they've been for the last 9 months), and afterwards tried to apologise to our houseguest, explaining that it's been more than 3 weeks in confined spaces and having no time to myself or even with just me and my baby. I explained that it's important to me that I am prepared for being on my own with the baby, and that I develop some skill in settling him and feeding him myself. I also explained that I've had no choice at all about having to share the most unpleasant intimate moments (along with the good ones) with people I usually wouldn't choose to share such unpleasant moments with.
To this I was told that "it's not all about me". I don't think it is, but some of it is about me, I'm coping with a fair bit at the moment (sob), and I'm a firm believer that you need to have yourself in some sort of order to function properly. A bit of time devoted to self maintenance does everyone reliant on you the world of good.
One thing I have gained I think is some insight into how you'd need to treat an adult who is sick and under your care. You need to ensure they have some dignity, privacy, be encouraged to do what they can for themself, and have some variety and choice in company.
3 comments:
"It's not about you"? Please! That's being a grown-up - you are perfectly capable of deciding when it's about you and when it's not.
I think you did well to hang on for three weeks without cracking.
oh by the way I am so with you sister, about knowing when you need some time out - its essential to be able to give back to other people. Is SO IS about you.. :-)
Well I suppose you wont be surprised to hear that I am a giant fan of the 'we all need time out to recharge our batteries' theory and in total agreeance with you! It is a fine line between support and smothering, and some people don't walk this line as well as others. And... as you said reciprocity is the key. Lovely of you to use the experience to think through how to help others in future.
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