The last day or two I am considering weaning E-chan from breastfeeding. This is one of the most upsetting decisions I have ever had to make in my entire life, and not one I'm reaching easily. I have shed quite a few tears over it - it's quite an emotional thing for me not being able to breastfeed my baby. I'm reaching the point where I think it might be better for my health and happiness and everyone else's in the household too if we wean him soon and go on to formula.
For over 7 weeks I have been battling huge obstacles - E-chan not learning to attach, finding out it was jaw related (which was a relief - at least it wasn't anything I was doing wrong), then trying to get his jaw treated, all the while battling on with at times painful feeds (when it should be painless after the first week or so), having to top up what he eats with formula, and expressing milk to try to increase my supply, and E-chan crying a lot during feeding as he waits for his bottle etc etc. I'm producing 1/2 to a 2/3 of what he needs, which could be because he isn't attaching properly, or another physiological problem of mine altogether, or both.
Feeding is taking up so much time (feed, then bottle top up, then expressing), when I'd rather be spending time with him playing or walking the streets with him in a pram to rehabilitate my gumby leg. I couldn't have lasted this long if I didn't have such a supportive partner (hooray for C-chan), who gets up at night to help out despite working full time, but I'm on my own most days. My earlier concerns about the allergy genes in my family and feeding E-chan formula take second place now. Genetics are by far a bigger factor in getting allergies, and there are good formulas out there these days where the proteins are broken down into components so that they shouldn't cause an immune response in babies.
The only thing that is keeping me going with the breastfeeding this week is that we had 24 hours of blissful normal feeding a week or so ago following E-chan's appointment at the Osteopath. It just felt right, on the verge of enjoyable. Then apparently he started his 6-week growth spurt and the jaw problem had a throwback or something. Treatment is helping for short periods but then I have 3-4 days wait until the next appointment which is getting less bearable. Some people think I should just give up now and bottle feed, but I'm trying to block out those opinions for the timebeing.
The up sides of stopping breastfeeding for me would be that I wouldn't have to worry about resting so much (as no longer trying to increase milk supply) and I can get back into swimming or walking which I love doing and keeps me sane, that C-chan or I can do the feeding, and that there will be fewer tears from me and E-chan.
Please please PLEASE never judge a woman for not breastfeeding. If she has been through as much as I have trying to establish feeding and failed, she would have faced the prospect of nipple pain vs a screaming starving child, may have gone through feelings of inadequacy, had annoying people judging her for bottle feeding, and now has the inconvenience of having to plan to take a few bottle feeds with her wherever she and her baby go. And then there's the added expense of the formula and bottles and sterilising equipment. Believe me, it is not the easy option.
Here's hoping my next post on this topic will have some better news... fingers crossed.
3 comments:
Big hugs to you groover for being a thoughtful, patient, resillient, pragmatic and versatile mum. Clearly every situation is different, and no one can know better than you what's best for yours. Here's to finding whatever works for you and bub, for feeding, and everything else! (Remember, give him a couple of years and he'll be eating mud pies, snot and snails... I don't think formula is going to hurt too much :)
What she said!
All you can do is your best, and it sounds like you've done all you could. And it's not just you - doubtless you've surfed round the mommy-blog world and seen there are thousands of people having the same issues, the same debate and the same angst. It's normal. What works for you is best for E-chan (unless it involves crack cocaine...)
Yeah - thanks lassies. Decided to give it one or two more osteopath appointments, then resolve it one way or the other. If he learns to attach properly, I can drop the expressing (which is what keeps me housebound and missing out on e-chan play time), and breastfeed him with a formula top-up. If not, I'll wean and bottle feed entirely. Feel better now I've made that decision. Most women with similar feeding problems have given up by now, so I know I've been going well to keep it up as far as I have... Better luck with the next baby, eh?
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