This morning I have an uneasy stomach. Not an upset stomach in the usual sense, but just butterflies. I'm not entirely sure why I should... today is C-chan's first day on his new job as a lawyer, so perhaps it is sympathetic nerves for him? After all these years of fitting in part time study around work, today is the day where he starts to find out if this kind of work is for him. Both of us have been trying to not make it into a big deal, but now that he's gone off to his first day of work, E-chan is napping, and I'm alone. I finally have time to dwell on all this, and I'm feeling for him.
Or maybe I'm worried about it being just E-chan and me on our own again? E-chan cried out a few times after his dad left this morning! He's been very lucky with 6 weeks of us all hanging out as a family, where Dad and Mum have been equal in our parenting duties more or less. And 3 weeks over christmas on top of that. I think he knew something was up last night and this morning - I'm convinced that the sensitive little critter can sense many of our moods. He woke up early yesterday evening and cried inexplicably and it took us a while to settle him again (this is something that only happens every so often now). And this morning, we had to work hard with the silly faces, upbeat chat and cuddles to get him to crack a smile. But things will be OK, I think, and he'll get used to it just being the 2 of us again soon enough.
The only other possible reason for butterflies is that it's crunch time for me to deal with my own issues again. I don't know about you, but I find it hard to focus on me when there is someone else around constantly. If there is someone else there to distract me, entertain me, talk to, I find it's all too convenient a process to procrastinate dealing with those sorts of things I'm not too keen to deal with. I.e. that for the first time since starting work full time, I'm unemployed in the earning money sense. That hit me with a thump just then. Don't get me wrong, am loving being a full time Mum. But in the strange contradictory way we often feel things, I'm also missing the security of being able to think ahead 6 months and have an idea of what I'll be doing, bankable income, where we'll be able to afford to live etc etc. We can survive on one income for a while, but not indefinitely. And the longer I leave going back to work, the harder it will get. And folks, the part time job market SUCKS.
It's hard to get into the right sort of self-confident mindset you need to argue your worth to a potiential new imployer when you know you have the big negative bargaining chip of wanting part time work looming in your head. Working full time while E-chan is so young is just not conceivable to me. Casual work is not reliable enough to cover child care costs. My mind is going around in circles, then like stepping off the merry-go-round, I avoid the whole issue by escaping in a book (or blogging?). But no doubt I'll force myself into action soon enough now that I have more time to think about myself.
And a genuine thanks to commenters on the last couple of posts, and sorry I didn't even acknowledge them. Things have been busy. Oh, and for a while, C-chan accidentally used up our broadband allowance for the month by Ewe-tubing (sic - nothing to do with sheep, I promise). We were on regular phone line speed for a week or two - click and wait half a minute for a web-page to appear stuff - which amazingly after only 8 months on broadband is already inacceptable.
2 comments:
Been there, done that, re no work and part time work. It is like stepping out into the void, and takes lots of trust that things will work out; often feels scary! I found writing a list of all the things I could do as work / to make an income was interesting and strangely inspiring, just to get out of the mold and be reminded of how versatile we are and how many options there are. Just remember you are an incredibly skilled and multitalented chick who is proficient in (not just in what you were doing in your last job but also) tutoring, babysitting, bead making, editing, swimming teaching, marketing, report writing, cooking, event management, presenting, strategising, budgeting etc etc etc... Good time for CV sprucing and red-shoe buying too - I'm convinced it's good career feng shui.
I know a few other gals looking for work/ job swapping at the moment - maybe we should organise an inner west kwaafee and mutual career advice / support session!
Yes keen to do the kwaafee thing! Especially if there is a job and person I can job-share with!
And thanks for your votes of confidence!
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