Sleep torture

Lots of topics have come to the fore of my brain this week – it’s been another stress filled week, where my son has come down with gastro a second time, really badly, after having it last week and being temporarily sick with it, then having it move through the family, one by one, gradually recovering. This time, as if a cruel cosmic prank has been played on us, he has a night time cough, so that by day, we are changing nappies all the time, and at night, our sleep is interrupted by coughing at the least, and at other times a very upset little boy, working himself up into an inconsolable frenzy of coughing, crying, frustration at not being able to say what he wants to, and on 2 occasions, being sick all over me, so that we both have to have a midnight shower while Dad frantically cleans up around the place. Situations around you can seem worse than they actually are, in these conditions...

- To work or not to work?
That is not really the question. I kind of need to for now. But I'm beginning to see the attraction of being a full time mother. Especially when illnesses strike repeatedly. Cold after flu after gastro and back again at the beginning. It's wearing down our defenses. No matter how understanding your boss, or how family friendly your work-place's policies are, it's one of the downsides of being a working parent. Your private life is always thrust out there for all to see... "my son is sick, I have to work a half day today"... or "my son is sick, and my partner can't take today off". No matter whether you have enough leave, or if you make the time up later, you always feel as if you are on the back foot, in a poorer negotiating position.
I chat to my Mum about how they made do with less and she stayed home until I was three, then worked night shift at a nursing home so that she could be home for us. She was in the same boat as us, with all her family interstate as we grew up, but then airfares were more expensive and child care rare. But I also know for much of my childhood, my mother was unfulfilled on many levels. C-chan and I also think it would be preferable for us both to maybe work 3 or 4 days, or something like that. We'll aim for that in the long run. However on some levels I do think that E-chan benefits from his days in care - he's learning to share, care and befriend.

-Sick with worry...
E-chan has been sick so much this year, I'm beginning to worry about him. All anecdotal evidence suggests that in a few years, his immune system will strengthen, and he'll start fighting off more bugs than he comes down with. The Doctor has a sample in for analysis, says only time will mend things, and for him to rest, eat what he can and try to avoid lactose in case gastro-induced intolerance has set in. He's not dehydrated, and much of the day he seems happy and quite active. His height and weight are average, not below. He's delightful to be around most of the time (except when having the requisite 2 year old tantrum). But I hate to see him suffering - coughing and spluttering in the middle of the night, with a "tummy sore! tummy sore!", and NOT A THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT but give him cuddles, kisses, water, and maybe get him interested in a book to distract him from his aches, pains and coughing spasms.

- Career crisis #46
What area should I work in? Will I ever get to work in a field again that I really believe in? When and what might I study in the future? Is my career going backwards? Yawn.

- Why have my last 2 bosses been the same type of personality??
Having realised in the the last month that my current and last boss have both been of a similar personality, I this week almost wanted to give up. Too hard. (see below). Is dealing with these kinds of people a lesson the cosmos has decided I must learn? Do my bosses pick me because they think I'm a pushover and can boss me around? Why does it bug me that a Boss can boss me around - isn't that what bosses do? I know how to deal with them, so why don't I just do that? Why am I so bloody willful at times? Is it that hard to change as a just-over-30-year-old?

- I really need more than 3 hours sleep to function properly...
The actual source of most of my problems, insecurities, neuroses, tears and feelings of unempowerment this week, is sleep deprivation I realise, when I get out into the sunshine and talk to some friends.

- I am supermum!!
While Ethan was not fully recovered, he demanded to go to playgroup on his usual day. Climbed in the pram and waited for me to get ready, but insisting all the while we go to playgroup. So we got there late and left early, so he could have his fix of sandpits, toy kitchens, and trikes (I was careful to avoid contaminating others, and he mostly played on his own). I was on dishwashing duty and my phone rang, and it was a work related matter. I managed to hold an intelligent, 5 minute long conversation with someone whilst doing the dishes and keeping an eye on my 2-year-old. There wasn't even a moment later where I realised I omitted to say something, or said something wrong. I pulled off some multi-tasking there, and it felt fabulous! All is not quite that bad perhaps.

- Don Bradman's bloody cricket bat up for auction (again), a.k.a. "I can't believe the news today"
Is it just me, or does some Don Bradman memorabilia seem to be up for auction just about every week? I've yet to find a person who cares. So why does it keep turning up on the news and in papers? And in other news, greedy, large banking corporations are failing and going bankrupt and getting bailed out with hundreds of billions of dollars, while millions of middle to low income earners are being evicted, seeing their property's value plummet, or at the best, just managing to scrape together their mortgage payments, with no such help from their government. Even if every American citizen was given a million dollars, it would cost less than a billion dollars. Where is the equity in that?

- my friends are lovely
I'm inspired by my friends this week, they do all sorts of amazing things. They publish their own zines; they live overseas and work freelance; they suffer miscarriages and burst into tears telling us about it, but still see it from a philosophical perspective; they stick to their dreams, they say things like "they almost had us by the tits" instead of the masculine "they had us by the balls" in meetings and don't care that more conventional people sitting around the table are mouths agape (how I miss working with her!); they read books comparing Orwell and Evelyn Waugh and in her mummy-brain moment, mentions it to her mum-friends, apparently unaware that most of our company haven't read books by either of these authors (and even I, the next most well read in the group, could not get past the first page of Brideshead Revisited, despite having read a few Orwells). But what a mummy-brain moment to have?
And best of all, some of these new friends I've made since having E-chan are beginning to feel like old friends, like family.