There was a big break in my family between my generation and the next. For starters, my family had moved away from my grandparents and extended family, so we just has a small family unit of 4, relatively unconnected. Being the youngest, I have few memories of babies and little kids, bar a few childhood friends who had younger siblings. So as I outgrew nursery rhymes, so did my family. Then my brother moved overseas, and his family is growing up a bit disconnected from us too (but less so, now that the digital age allows things like this, and cheaper telephone calls and flights than there used to be, and at least he has his wife's family). And I've moved interstate, and am again disconnected from my family geographically when I'm starting mine.
This is presenting challenges at the moment, now that I'm back at work, and E-chan came down with his first big cold the same week. The works - snozzly nose virus, which developed into a chesty cough, that went bacterial with conjunctivitis, then an ear infection. It's been about 10 days now since the first hint of it. Last week, C-chan was sick too, so he took time off to care for E-chan at home, and also because it was my first week at work. Today, I am taking carers leave. C-chan's mum very sweetly offered to fly over and help out, but apart from this being a hideously gross usage of carbon and money for the purpose of a few days of babysitting, this is not a long-term solution for us when we are in need.
So, what are our options? Unfortunately, apart from making lots of lovely new mum & baby friends (who I hope stay as friends), my mothers group is not quite what I hoped it might be, in my naivete. The first thing that has started to happen is going back to work, which means we all work different days and don't have much spare time anymore, so staying in touch is getting harder. Secondly, as people consider needing cheaper living costs or a larger house for a future second child, they are gradually planning to move out of our suburb - mentally I think they are suspending putting down too strong roots for now. Also, most of my mother's group has family in this city, and choose to rely on grandparents etc to babysit. I have offered to babysit for anyone who needs it, given a bit of notice, but only got 2-3 of our group of about 10 saying they might take me up on my offer. A few have offered to babysit E-chan regardless of their need for babysitting, which is nice.
That sort of takes care of the occasional night out for C-chan and I together. But what about the other sorts of things? Picking up E-chan in case of emergency or illness from day care/school because they can't reach us, alternative role models, E-chan learning there are different ways to live than ours, and people who care for him in varying degrees? We're doing our best. Obviously, this is more daunting for our childless friends and difficult for our few friends with children, as E-chan is so young and "high maintenance"*. It will get easier as he gets older. And people are busy, and work full time, and have their own extended familes to catch up with. I keep telling myself, my parents coped, and I turned out OK**, so we should. But mum didn't work until I was 3, and then it was part time nightshift. Moving back to 'Delaide was something we explored last year, but we have an ever diminishing circle of friends there, so while we'd have 4 grandparents and an uncle for E-chan there, we'd be faced with re-integrating with friends there, the awkwardness of getting back in touch with those we've not kept in touch with***, and having to find new friends of our own (not to mention finding jobs).
So, I'm (still) finding it really hard to put our vulnerabilities out there on a placard, but am having to do it out of sheer necessity. And thanks a lot to those of you whom I've had to call on in the last year who have said "yes". And to those of you who brought me around hearty soups/lasagna/lunches to eat when E-chan was first born so I wouldn't have to cook. (Just for the record, if any of you have friends who have new babies, this is one of the best things you can do for them - bring them healthy meals and snacks. Even if they're not breastfeeding and therefore eating around the clock, it's one thing they don't have to do when adjusting to everything else).
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* no offence, buddy, it's just the way it is when you're so young!!
** feel free to disagree!
*** you know, was it them or was it us? Was it something I said that made them drop us from their christmas card list? Did they ever really like us that much?
4 comments:
Hi there,
Happy Mother's day for yesterday! I managed by a whisker to get something to my mum, and then to throw some chocies in the backpack that ltbf was taking up to Rocky to *his* mum ... sorry for the day delay.
I'm a bit sad now after your post that I'll be going and won't be able to babysit from time to time as E-chan draws right into baby-sittable age. Did I ever mention I used to look after a gaggle of kids from age 5 to 10 for pocket money, just a bit before the time we met actually. And *still* remember having a slightly mental baby sister. Consider that a CV. We'll be back when he's still a wee tacker, so hopefully there's time.
hey i feel for you. this is one of our biggest concerns in making the decision to have kids - the idea that we'll be pretty much on our own. its made more clear when we visit drjs brother who has the massive extended family of grandparents/aunts/uncles on call. sometimes i wonder if persuing the bright city lights was worth it!
on a brighter note you know we are just a phone call away! happy to pat/feed/change baby and pretty soon chase him round the house!
xo angel
Hey Angel, thanks! Re your situation - at least your folks are in driving range - there could be short stays here and there to help out. And you'll have us :) I doubt we'll move far from where you'll be.
But really, putting it in perspective, most of the time you don't think about what you don't have. Most of the time, we are thrilled to have our little boy who does amazing new things almost every day. The most difficult times were when we were having the breastfeeding problems (which you probably won't have - talk to your own mum about her experiences when/if you get preggers, as her experience is a big indicator of what yours might be), and when E-chan is sick or we all need a break, which isn't that often.
On the up side, we've rarely had to buy clothes or toys (as our parents make up for not seeing E-chan by buying things for him).
And Video-skyping means he gets to see moving images of his grandparents & uncles regularly.
Auntie-B: we're hanging out for your to return (even though you haven't left yet!!) We'd be thrilled to have you babysit!
I think little Echan is lovely and would be happy to play an ongoing 'slightly fruitloopy spinster aunty' role, if you're casting :) I know what you mean though, I feel torn about all the lives I am far away from being here - ma and bub up north, friends all over the place, family including extended network of cousins and so on in Adelaide. You do start to wonder where 'your people' are, and sometimes I fantacise about them all being in the same town - gee that would make things easier!! Meanwhile, if you ever need a weekend sitter (or even emergency evening one, come to think of it) just call. xxJ
(PS Market stall is on for this weekend if you want to contribute stuff for the getting rid of, or just swing by for a coffee and natter and look around. You other gals too if you read this)
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