Being part of the family offshoot that dared venture off the Isle of Tasman (ooooh! how daring!), it's interesting to come visit every couple of years and see how the ones in my life that I can't choose, have changed. The change is subtle each time, and my own point of view oscillates over the years.... ranging from "I have nothing in common whatsoever with these people - how am I related again?" to "oh, so that's where my/mum's/dad's trait comes from!!" and feeling slightly sentimental, followed by likely unkept promises to keep in touch with certain cousins a bit better in the future. My observations are usually quite shallow, given I see most of them at huge family gatherings, and observe as an outsider that noone quite knows how to start a conversation with until a few beers are down the gullett. Basically, these people had a very small role in my upbringing, given the geographic barrier involved. But then at times, my parents and I become confidantes - safe people who our relos can confide all manner of information before we flit back to the mainland.
One observation is that my grandfather, uncle and a few of my male cousins on one side of the family are all quiet types, who end up with domineering partners. Interesting how certain personality traits can seek each other out. And with these "forthright", "bossy", "controlling", or "abusive" women (depending on who's describing them), comes inevitable clashes with the mothers-in-laws (my aunties).
I visited my ever scatty, chatty and earthy Aunt, who is probably my favourite, and we went to pick organic blueberries at a farm not far from hers North of Launceston. She gave me her Womens Weekly original cookbooks - they would have come out in the 60's or 70's are quite handy for the basics, and are very hard to come by!
I also visited my "Guilt-trip Gran" - she makes note of who visits, when, and remembers (notes down??) who forgets to send birthday cards to her and Pop. I was subjected to countless hints that I had forgotten someone's birthday last year, but got no credit for being the only one of us that rings the other party or travels especially to visit them every couple of years.
My Uncle is the kind of guy who likes to hunt for a bargain, and then will remember forevermore how much everything cost and how discounted it was, and proceed to tell you whether you asked or not. One Saturday morning, I was sitting quietly on his loungechair reading while others pottered about doing Saturday things, and he came in to chat. He asked if I had seen my cousin's Skydiving video, and I said I had not. Without a 2nd glance to see if I was remotely interested, out came the video. I politely smiled and commented, as the almost amateur video made by the skydiving Co covered my cousing getting suited up, doing practice jumps and responding to the instructors questions about how nervous she was with a chipper "I'm pretty fine actually!". The most amusing part was a look of sheer dread on her face as she was about to tip out of the place on her tandem jump. Then it was all over in a couple of seconds. Interesting. But the video had a maverick, re-live the experience repeat of everything all over again to different music, which it was assumed I wanted to watch.
Next, and worse, was the Bungey Jumping video. This was basically a half hour commercial for the Bungey jumping Co, full of comments by Brittish backpackers (ie not anyone I or my cousin knew) raving about how great the jump was, and a little history lesson on bungey jumping including Papuan tribes using rubbery vines and a built platform to jump from. Then at the end was the 10 second experience of my cousin actually jumping. That same event was replayed in slo-mo a couple of times, then that was it. Wow. It was getting hard to resist letting some sarcastic comments slipping out by now.
Then to my horror out came another video - filmed by my uncle this time - of their trip to England. Random shots of London streets in winter. A visit to Lords Cricket oval ("nothing was playing there, but at least we can say we have been!!" said my Uncle cheerily). My eyes couldn't help slipping down to my open novel. Then, when I couldn't think of anything worse, the trip by Bullet train to EuroDisney. That's right, no cheese factories, no cosy wineries, no characteristic French villages - a theme park. This was getting too much to bear. I didn't need to know that the Indianna Jones ride is taken whilst sitting backwards, and other useless information. The only thing I could think to do was make an excuse about needing to go to the toilet and do some stuff (like pregnant women need to frequently!!). By the time I came back, the videos were away and Uncle found something else to do. Phew.
One of my Aunties (ie above Uncles' wife) has always been one of those women who sets ridiculously high standards for herself. A clean house from top to toe every week, do everything herself without asking for help, do everything my way kinda woman. Sometime over the past couple of years, certain events have pushed her to breaking point, and she has gradually realised that not everything has to be perfect, she doesn't have to be the lynch-pin holding everything together, and some of her relations are selfish wierdos who take advantage of her AND she has a lot of childhood issues to resolve. Good for her, I say. Anyhow, she's now on medication for depression, and opening right up in a strange upbeat kind of way. Her newfound lack of rigidity makes her much easier to talk to.
However, much of my trip was a delight, with cousins to catch up with (including a wedding), new partners to meet and babies to cuddle, and most importantly, information on how my relatives have experienced or are experiencing parenthood. I was given lovely hand-made rugs and knitted baby jumpers from my Aunties. I learned about how my allergy-prone cousins on my father's side have coped with food allergies and intolerances with their kids.
I also learned how I could go about upsetting my Parents-in-law if I wanted to by taking the kids around to my parents' to visit frequently, but not trusting my in-laws in the same way and never seeking their advice. Or by using either set of grandparents as a child dumping ground on a regular basis, but never inviting them around to tea in return. So much to think about in the coming years - we're gonna be busy, I know that, but it's so important to remember those who got us where we are now rather than take them for granted.
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